Read Gears Of War by Joshua Ortega Free Online
Book Title: Gears Of War|
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Reader ratings: 4.9
The author of the book: Joshua Ortega
Edition: Titan Publishing Company
Date of issue: November 1st 2009
ISBN 13: 9781848564824
Format files: PDF
The size of the: 996 KB
City - Country: No data
Read full description of the books:
Me, being the brain dead man-child I'm, am no stranger to Gears of War videogame.
Its portrayal of men as grunting over sized chunks of insecure, pro-macho twats, who wear half a car as an armor and have guns from the “not at all fallistic symbol” catergory.
So being the skinny wimp who regularly gets beaten by 12 year olds like nobody's business, it's quite understandable that I like the game.
The first game being the typical mish mash of all the things went to hell, with nowhere near ass to be found plot, character arcs thin as dog piss, areas that no sane person would ever build but are stuck on your path because someone in the level design department thought that 'shit gotta be there' and the whole mess being hold together by an promise of violence.
And seeing that the game went on to form an trilogy, which gives me at least some hope, that something even resembling a story can be salvaged from the wreck in the later parts, it should not became as an surprise, that there was a whole load of off side merchandise pushed to the market in order to cash in all those Gamespot scores.
It of course wasn’t also a surprise, that there was a Gears of War comic, which found its way into the shelves of my local comic book store.
Just like the owner of the said store was not surprised when I welshed in, yapped about the bathetic try to cash in, started to build up a monolith for the octopus god residing in my brain and leaving the store without actually buying anything.
At this point you gentle reader most likely expect me to accept the error of my hasty judgment, give the comic a proper score, and admit that the book indeed should not be judged by its cover.
Weeeeeell, not gonna bloody happen!
The story picks off a day? A month? A year?
Seriously, the timeline in this thing keeps bouncing like a handful of d6's on fat man’s belly, so if the comic is not interested in keeping a close eye on the timeline, why should I?
The point is, earth is in war with Locusts, a strange alien race that came from….somewhere, inhabited the planet from below ground for….some reason, eventually emerging to the outside world because of….something, and started to kill humans for….FUCK IF I KNOW, OKAY!
See what I mean by saying that the story wasn’t the first games strongest point.
Anyhow humans formed an army in which all the soldiers were called gears instead of calling them soldiers (see, see how clever the title Gears of War is) and after that didn’t work, humans tried to destroy the locusts in an event known as Lightmass Bombing.
A stunt that apparently just fucked up all remaining planet surface, causing terminal lung cancer to every gear that survived the actual bombing.
When the military intelligence is at this state, the long running question of Gears universe, why didn’t we see the locusts coming, don’t seem like that big of a mystery.
Most likely there were just two stranded locust that came to earth to witness a life form that is more stupid than a tapeworm.
Dug themselves a ditch, fornicated there, at the same time shouting ‘We are going to kill you all’.
And after two millenniums of this they finally got bored, decided to actually kill someone and after that humankind was on it's knees crying ‘Oh, they caught us by complete surprise, how could we have seen this before hand’.
And the premise is pretty much all the story you are going to get from this thing.
The whole comic is –like the game- spent on following a bunch of gears, when they wander from point A to B while facing increasingly tougher enemies, only to pull it through to the next bullet fest.
It’s a mish mash of situations, flashbacks, whining and macho bullshit.
And not only that, but it’s also two separate stories, with close to nothing to do whit each other.
And the thing is, this is all there is, no plot or story what so ever.
Gears end up in situations, where five of all four solutions involve violence.
And they just survive from all these situations because writers are too lazy to come up with anything inventive.
At first they are on a helicopter, which gets attacked and the pilot is killed, but one of the gears just so happens to have some piloting experience.
And despite them crashing in middle of nowhere after a short walk they just so happen to come by an village, that just so happens to have an completely working tank lying around.
The village is ready to give them a tank, if they in return kill the five locusts that have been raiding the village.
Later on the thank gets shot in an ambush, but they just so happen to come by another gears that have heavy artillery (this after whining page after page how all the left behind gears must be dead) and after that it turns out, that the tank just so happened to hold couple of motorcycles with heavy weaponry.
And the saddest part is that Gears seems to need all the luck they can get, since they themselves are as logical as Ed Gein.
Gears kill the five locusts bothering the village, making the village safe.
And despite them admitting that their mission is a suicide run, they decide to take an little girl with them, because…I don’t know, I guess they figured out that it was the best way to kill the kid, since they can’t burn her with napalm, or something.
And since the girl is orphan, naturally our lead promises to find the girls’ parents, even though most of the humanity has already been killed and rest of them are being hunted in a war zone.
And of course the girl’s mother is eventually found alive, because if not, some of the points about wars terrorizing effects might actually stick.
The reader must constantly be reminded about how though the gears are, since apparently he's as thick as the rest of them.
Marcus’s name is something that automatically stops every would be rapist and is constantly met with awe by others, like Pedobear’s name in a NAMBLA meeting.
In order for gear to die in this comic, he must be a depressed lung cancer victim, who takes off his armor and charges against the enemy army bare handed.
Yup, this is the level of retardness we are dealing with.
In the second story we follow, who I guess is supposed to be Dom, but is drawn so badly, that he looks like Equardo ChiciChici Hulio, the love child of an Spanish immigrant and inbred chimpanzee.
In a hack-together-tale about some firefight, flashbacks and melodramatic mumbo jumbo about how war is hell, but he still has hope.
The only reason to actually have this segment here I guess, it’s the pathetic attempt to cash in that promise of working as a bridge between games one and two.
Dom’s epic motive is that he is looking for his missing wife, a lady who was so missing in the first game, that you barely noticed the whole thing.
So now the audience needs a quick recap about the fact, just so we understand that deep inside Marcus and his pals are all human, who’s lives has been torn apart by the never ending suffering of war…Or some jazz like that.
Comic pulls this off as gracefully as a blind elephant in a dance floor full of stoned hippies.
Given the franchise most of these down sides are somewhat understandable.
When trying to make it as a major hit videogame in the AAA department of videogames and in order to make up its oversized budget, Gears of War has to play like its consumer base.
And when the majority of the world’s consumer base is made by retards, who’s brains go hurdi-hurdi-hurr ones you present the with idea more complex than “humanity good, big ugly aliens bad” and who consider all the over clichéd nonsense about “how I still have hope” to be the new Shakespearian prose.
And yes, sometimes it does work…In a bloody video game, where the constant action and over whelming rush keep you distracted.
But comics are stale, the lack of adrenaline rush makes the story ever more important.
And so the comic can’t simply use the exact same tricks as its video game predecessor, it has to play by different set of rules.
And that’s what Gears of War comic here doesn’t realize.
Gears of War may be an epic game series made by Epic Games, I’m not questioning that.
But the only thing epic in this comic is the fail.
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Read information about the authorJoshua Ortega is an author and journalist best known for his novel Frequencies, as well as his comic book and graphic novel work on entertainment properties such as Star Wars, Spider-Man, Batman, Star Trek, The Escapist, and The Necromancer.
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